So, you know those moments when you think to yourself: 'hey, I don't look half bad!'? OR, when you have made the necessary changes in your life to reverse the clock and reclaim your youthful self, but then something terrible happens...like I am talking earth shattering....
You catch your reflection in your iPad!
Yep...you...looking down... not smiling...just...'reflecting'. It is enough to have you google a crisis help-line but you cannot bring yourself to look down at the glowing screen anymore. Double chin (if your lucky), furrowed brow, and jowels like Winston Churchill. AND if that wasn't enough, at bedtime, when you go to brush your teeth and examine that face staring back at you, you have an Eureka moment (emphasis on the eurEEEKahhhh)... The pillow sheet marks from the morning are still visible...they aren't marks sweetheart, oxford dictionary calls em wrinkles (who likes Oxford anyway!?)
These are the moments that change behaviour.
As you are feverishly brushing your teeth, cuz there is no freaking way coffee and wine is going to be culled from your life, you plan AND vow to do everything your Grandmother once spoke of. You now recognize what you once believed was dimensia as true pearls of wisdom! (I shall quote my Grandma...it has been suggested she may have lacked some 'grandmotherly' tendencies).
"Stand like you are bought and paid for!" (yes, we can all agree we are NOT property, but the message is gold). By standing straight, the work gravity has done on your 'girls' looks less influential. Your tummy flattens out (slightly), and your jaw is less buried in your cheeks,..hello jawline! And FYI, confidence is sexy (nobody needs to know it is feigned).
"Blue, ... I should paint the ceiling blue" (apparently a thought my Granmother had whilst on her back with my Grandfather).. Gross, sure, but let's face it, having children is hereditary: if my Grandma hadn't had kids (which involves the fore mentioned) then chances are my Mom wouldn't have... Anywho, I digress from the point...
Clearly the position (on back) not only gives you decorating insight, it erases that double chin! Now, when you are on your iPad (please! You didn't think I was referring to Grandma sex!?) your reflection will be much more Vogue and less Winston.
"Never let them see you cry". How is this a helpful 'beauty' tip!? Wellllllll.... If you have ever seen me cry, it involves excess snot, swelling of my eyelids, and red blotchy patches from my neck up. Sure there are glamorous criers (my sis-in-law and Hollywood actresses) but they are few and far between, and I am blocking them from having any further 'tips'. If the pillow sheet marks were enough to send you into a tizzy, then looking like a boxer post bout will not tickle your fancy.
Invest in big necked t-shirts (dark in colour). You can hide your weepy face and blow your nose in the shirt without being detected (light colour shirts will show snot...test cases have proven this). ADDITIONALLY, do not go to a mirrored environment until you can take a deep breath without it catching and you can talk like you do not have severe sinus congestion. By that point, the swelling will now only plump out the crows feet, the eyes will have the slightest of sparkle and there will be colour in your cheeks. If they didn't see you cry, then they only believe you to be bright eyed!
Voila, changed. And now I am pleased to return to my feeling of not half bad.
Signed, Nikela's granddaughter.
Stay happy & healthy
www.jomoma.ca
No comments:
Post a Comment