Overwhelmed

I am at that age where I check and balance. How am I doing? Are my goals big enough that they scare me, or am I struggling to see the forest through the trees? 

I can remember being in grade 4, wondering how life would be different when I was a grown up. Wondering if I would feel any different. 

To my grade 4 self:

Stop being in a hurry to grow up. The bullies you want to escape, the independence you want to gain, the older self you can't wait to meet will always be in your future. The bullies change form, independence can be lonely and costly, and you will always wonder if you have a future self that will differ from your present one (a better more polished version). 

I am finding lately that I am overwhelmed... emotionally overwhelmed. I am able to look at my children and remember being their age. I can recall the dilemmas and the joys that played out in my world at that time. I want to be able to push pause for my kids so that they can soak it all in. Ingest it. Appreciate and learn. But I can't slow down the clock for them anymore than my parents could for me. I remember my folks telling me to enjoy 'it' (whatever it I was experiencing at that time); and only after it had passed did I wish I had taken their advice. I think that is why I am feeling overwhelmed right now.  Although I am at the base of some mountains I need to summit, I can't help but wonder if I am missing something beautiful while I am in a hurry to climb upwards. So I pause. 

I pause and 'feel' everything. No, I am not molesting my environment, I am letting myself experience the hurt, the joy, the comedy, the drama, ... of each moment as it flies by. I cry at the tragedies and the beautiful moments equally...even if they don't belong to me. I feel an overwhelming desire to scoop up the world in my arms and hug it until it is better. Or maybe...until I am better. 

Check: At my age certainly I ought to be more successful. Certainly I should have more accolades and less insecurity. Certainly I should be MORE. 

Balance: The people I get to call friends are outrageously successful. My children are bright, athletic, talented and driven. I am surrounded by MUCH. 

To my 40 year old self: it's ok to feel, just don't stop moving your feet. 

How do you climb a mountain...one step at a time...keeping your head up. 

Stay happy & healthy

www.jomoma.ca